Dear God, thanks for the nice day. God, why do I have to get really big when I get older? I won’t fit into my Thunder Drums shirt, or my Awesome shirt, or my Pirate shirt. That’s so sad. And God, my face is nice and smooth, but when I get older I have to get prickles like Daddy. I DON’T WANT THE PRICKLES. In Jesus’ name, amen.


Never, Ever, Squevver

Dear God, thank you for the nice day, and thank you for my new Hot Wheels. It’s mine now. I don’t have to give it back to Lucas, because he gave it to me. It was a present, God, and we don’t have to give presents back. I never, ever, never, ever, squevver, ever never have to give it back. [sigh] I have to give it back, don’t I, God. Well, I hope not, but we’ll see tomorrow, okay? And God, I also hope that I never have to go to the dentist. Love, Oliver. In Jesus’ name, amen.


Me: Okay, Buddy, it’s time to say your goodnight prayers.

Oliver: Mom, do you know about knee-paddles?

Me: Umm… what?

Oliver: Knee-paddles. You put them on so you don’t get hurt.

Me: Oh, you mean knee pads. Yes, I know about them. Let’s pray.

Oliver: You put them on your knees.

Me: Yes, I understand. Let’s just pray.

Oliver: Right on your knee-bumps. [taps knees for emphasis]

Me: All right. PLEASE PRAY.

Oliver: Okay. Dear God, do you know about knee-paddles?


(Oliver’s latest strategy to get God to speak to him out loud is that he’ll ask God questions to which the answers are so obvious, that God will be too embarrassed to NOT answer.)

Dear God: Do turtles fly? Is sugar alive? Do we wear boots on our head? [pause] No, the answer is NO. Everything NO. In Jesus’ name, amen.

The Convenience of Technology

Dear God, thanks for the nice day. I talk to you every day. It’s nice that I can talk to you. But how come you don’t talk back? You can if you want. But you’ll have to buy a ticket. You can get tickets on our website, or on Twitter. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Tacos. ‘Nuff said.

Dear God, thank you for the nice day. Thank you for the wonderful day, and… wait. Wait. Ha ha, I just said the same thing, Mom! Okay. Dear God, thank you for the nice day. Thanks that it was such a nice day. Awww… I don’t know what else to say, God. We had tacos, God. It was a wonderful day, God. That’s all. So in Jesus’ name, amen.